today I am

not in a great place.. and I am, kind of. I’m in a weird mood, I don’t feel like myself. I feel frustrated, exhausted, aggressive, sad and lonely. I’m trying to be responsible about it, and it’s really difficult because I’ve overcommitted myself and my patience is paper thin. That’s partly an excuse, but not entirely. I struggle with procrastination, and I can be fickle about the level of motivation I have toward my classes–or anything really. I can feel myself slipping into controlling behaviors I’m trying to let go of. I change my face, I sigh, I am short and argumentative. I want to make people feel bad for me. I want to make them listen to and understand me without having to ask, as though that would fix the way I’m feeling [it won’t]. The positive thing is I know why, I am aware.. and I do have tools and support, but sometimes the old “woe is me” patterns bog down my soul and obscure my resources.  I’m not helpless, I don’t even feel helpless this time. I have so many options, I just feel tired. I’m actually okay, I’m not depressed. I am sad, but I’m okay with feeling sad. It’s not comfortable, but I don’t feel like my whole life is in ashes or something equally melodramatic. I know this all sounds like a huge bummer, but I’m actually really hopeful. I’m pretty sure what I’m experiencing is growth, and I’m glad about it.. I just also have a latent goal of avoiding pain, so it’s a little counterintuitive. I’m okay, and I’m not alone, and for that I am super grateful. I have to remind myself when I feel low, because the fog at my feet tries to pull me down to wallow in it, but I don’t have to drown anymore.

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