I feel grateful

I’m feeling grateful, albeit frustrated (what is my goal that’s blocked? I guess it’s being understood, but I actually do feel like I have a support system in place who listen and understand me as I need. So I suppose the frustration lately is feeling like I don’t have the time to be understood.. this is something I’m trying to tackle). Lately I’m getting a lot of practice in detachment and letting go, which is certainly positive. I don’t feel as inclined to try and control shit, or people–I am advocating for myself in my classes because I believe in honesty and I do hope that my “bravery” might insight some sort of positive change, but I don’t really have any expectations.. I’m more inclined to have a cynical view of the outcome than anything else, because I don’t actually trust most people’s ability to respond to assertiveness in a healthy way, but hey.. it’s not really my problem. What a relief! There’s this really great quote from CODA that goes something like “what other people think of me is none of my business” and that really resonates with me lately. I wanted to argue with it the first few times I heard it, but what a huge relief that really is. Not only can I not control what others think, it’s really not my problem.. and that’s kind of great. I spent a huge majority of my life trying to control the way I’m perceived and gain approval and win love, and not only is it exhausting it’s a fucking impossible waste of time. Life is significantly better when it just happens to me and I’m not giving myself an aneurism trying to make it into what I think I want it to be–but can’t possibly know that’s the best thing because I’ve never experienced it and I’m not leaving any room for God or other people to have any effect whatsoever. Also, lately I’m weirdly respected by multiple people, and I say weirdly simply because it’s a different kind of respect than I’m used to.. it’s not fear based or that I’ve tricked them into thinking I have it together (I don’t even know what that means/looks like in reality), they legit admire me. It’s humbling and validating and incredibly kind of them to share with me.. while also slightly uncomfortable. Not because I feel inadequate or unworthy, because I believe in my head and my heart that I am super adequate and worthy–but because I’m just not used to being in that kind of position and it being real (not controlled by me). I’m really glad to know I am inspiring or bring hope to some people, it’s just a different place to be.. and I’m not sure if it makes me feel more connected or isolated. I could make an argument for either side, so I suppose the answer is both. I could go on, but my eyes are mostly closed at this point…

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