I wanted to write something because I haven’t in a few days, but I’m very tired so this will be short. I wanted to expand on my last entry.. the past few weeks have been a little bit–well actually a lot a bit exhausting and frustrating, in that I haven’t had much free time and much of my waking hours are spent with stressful people. They aren’t inordinately stressful, and for the most part I’m able to separate myself and detach, but that becomes progressively more difficult the more worn down I feel.. plus, I find myself needing attention for those feelings and feel disappointed when it’s not possible to meet those needs with most people. Thankfully I have a wonderful support system that I can ask for attention and feedback, so I’m not lacking there, I just get a feeling of overriding sadness at the world’s inability to understand each other and themselves.. and ultimately me.
I’ve felt overwhelmed a multitude of times by the isolation that comes with avoiding my feelings, and abandoned myself in those moments.. and that’s something I strive to be aware of and attuned to so I can take care of myself. I feel sad when I see so many people around me not be attuned to themselves, and when I’m drained and needing to be understood by someone safe I feel angry that there aren’t more safe and aware people. It might seem selfish–and on a certain level I suppose it is, because I do wish I had more people to relate to, especially in my daily life– but I’m also afraid for the world. So many people are pretending, I can see through it pretty easily–because I pretended myself for years–but most people can’t and that’s really scary to me. I feel like I’m a part of a sub-culture, except we’re all really spread out.. but man would it be awesome if we overthrew the dominant belief that having feelings and needs and being honest are negative traits somehow, and we sloughed off all the roles we play for other people to maintain our facade. I want to live in that world, where everyone just gets to be who they are. And I am, I suppose, so really what I want is for more people to cross over into it as well.