Family: Please Stop Sending Cards With No Money

Why does money stop popping out of cards when you turn eighteen? I mean, before that your parent’s gave you spending money [or in my case you work for your spending money] and provided a place to live and food to eat and all that kind of base caretaking stuff.. then you turn eighteen, move out and actually need that twenty bucks a pop on your birthday from a Grandparent, Aunt or Uncle and, whelp, shit the well’s all dried up, Sallie Mae!

I’m twenty five and still get all fluttery at a card, thinking money might be in there… then a bunch of confetti falls on my floor. I picture them holding a twenty in one hand and a bag of plastic hole punched hats in the other, shaking their head at the twenty and saying “nah, I’ll give her a mess instead.” Yes, thank you. I love cleaning unnecessarily. It’s my favorite.*

You know what’s better than a card with no money? A postcard. There’s no let down, because postcards don’t have pockets, just a fun picture, a pun maybe and space for a note. The only reaction I can have about a postcard is a warmth in my heart about how adorable it is that I’ve received a postcard from my cute ol’ Grandparents. So please, family, hear my cry: “Stop sending cards with no money, send postcards instead. That way, I won’t be disappointed at you’re moneyless effort, I’ll think you’re super adorable.”

*I actually quite like confetti, it’s colorful and creatively shaped. I just needed to play up the sad faced sarcasm for the sake of the bit… The card with no money thing blows, though.


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