My soul aches a little. Because in this moment that I feel so incredibly proud of myself for the growth period I’ve undergone the last few years, that’s being integrated and I can definitively see manifesting itself in my life, I can also see the gap eroding further between myself and others.
I believe with my whole heart and every conscious thought that I can’t control people. That no one can control people. That control is an illusion. A farce. A denial of reality on the basest of levels. That. It’s. Not. Real.
This is the widening gap. It’s different from before, when life was a string of overwhelming extremes and I believed I was alone and deserving of that placement. I don’t feel alone anymore. I have a close relationships. Constance.
I do feel lonely, though. Because giving up control means letting people be, letting yourself be. Trusting that what will be, will be–regardless of what I may have said or done differently, and how I might have tried to manipulate or pander or convince I know best.
I don’t know best. Not for anyone else, not for me. I just know the decision that feels right at the time, how to make decisions and gain wisdom with which to continue or digress. What more can I have? What more is there?
This is what I believe. With my whole entire being. And I’m lonely, because so few people believe with me, and trusting new people gets exhausting. And I feel like I can’t respect most people. I just want to know if there’s others out there. Does anyone share this feeling? I do have hope about it, partly because of my best friend.
When I told him how I was discouraged he was really understanding and could relate, and told me [something like]: “I’ve had to write off getting close to a thousand different people because of this kind of thing, and it hurts.. but I ended up finding you, and your friendship is way more valuable to me than those thousand people, so it was worth it.”
What a kind person he is. I’m so, so grateful for him.