How To: Insult the Army

So I’m sitting at work minding my own business and I get a phone call from a number I don’t recognize. Now, normally I don’t answer calls like this, but the area code was local, so I thought it might be someone I know. It was the Army.

How did the Army get my phone number? Evidently my school gave it to them, trying to entice me with GI Bill tuition benefits. Thanks, but no thanks.

A woman is on the other line and she tells me she’s with the Army Reserves and asks how I am. I say I’m okay, but I’m extremely concerned by the Army contacting me. She tells me not to worry, she’s just wondering if I’ve ever thought about joining. I tell her I have absolutely no interest in joining the Army and being told where to live or sent to war. That’s okay apparently, because I’m “unlikely to be sent to the front lines”. Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure I’m even less likely by not joining the Army, lady.

She tells me it would only be a part time commitment, and–knowing that she’s talking to a  [most likely] broke student–tries to lure me in with grants for college. Always curious about improving my monetary situation, I ask her how much the jobs pay: ten measly bucks an hour. Are you friggin’ kidding me? That’s how much we pay soldiers? What’s wrong with us? I mean, fuck if I want to join, but shit, how can anybody want to at that pay rate?

I’m not patriotic, so I guess I don’t understand that motivation, but lets be real, ten bucks an hour blows. If your job could kill you at some point you deserve a lot more than than that. Plus, no way am I gonna choose to make less money, army lady.

I’m a terrible candidate for the military, anyway. Picture me at boot camp. The moment someone started disrespecting me I would tell them not to talk to me like that. If they tried to punish me with push ups I’d just say no. I’m pretty sure I’d get kicked out after being severely hazed, and if I was any way injured in response to my behavior I’d press charges. Not something I’m even remotely interested in subjecting myself to.

I don’t respond awesome to unreasonable authority. Also uniforms blow, and the likelihood I’d be raped would increase significantly. The shape I’d get into from boot camp would be pretty boss, but I already have a gym membership, so…

Am I stereotyping? It’s hard not to when the idea of being a soldier is so compacted down into a singular personality. You can see how I got to the title “How To: Insult the Army”. They really aren’t looking for an overly curious, independent, opinionated, assertive rule breaker like me. When I told my best friend about the conversation he said, “Did you tell them you hate being stabbed?” Another great reason to avoid the army: death by gutting.

I knew there was a good reason never to answer unknown numbers.

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