How To: Awkwardly Make Masturbation Jokes in Public

I’ve just gone to see a dear friend of mine be comedic. She was funny, along with a few others. The majority just talked about pornography and drugs. It’s okay though, there was a dead baby joke for levity at one point, which my heart was weirdly responsive to at one point, so I’m not totally sure what that says about the night/my inner landscape…

I don’t totally care about pornography, as long as we’re being honest about the fact that it injures intimacy and sets unrealistic expectations thereby damaging relationships. Oh and that it’s offensive to men and women and sexuality in general, creating a culture of fucking instead of a culture of respecting each other. It’s whatever, watch porn, just don’t try to tell me it’s not effecting you and your relationships [or lack of relationships] negatively. Ultimately, I’m pretty positive most women don’t want you to cum in their face, and think about it: do you really want to date a porn star? If so, cool. We just probably won’t hang out much. We don’t relate or have remotely similar fundamental belief systems or values.

All that said, what the most annoying part of the whole pornography thread tonight was the besmirching of scientific experimentation’s integrity. This guy gets up there and says he’s studying for his degree [may or may not be bullshit, he was like seventy… it’s questionable], so the experiment he’s going to conduct is how pot effects how men experience masturbating to pornography.

Alright, kind of interesting…except that he is not only conducting the experiment, he’s in it. That’s no longer an experiment, dude, that’s just you making up an elaborate excuse to masturbate for some reason. That’s not how science works. And yeah, I know he’s probably just making shit up, but still, why’d you have to bring science down with you?

So anyway, I remember why I don’t go to bars often, unless it’s to support a friend. That and the crazy eyes and awkward moments when you say “Oh, I don’t drink.” Yeah, because there’s something wrong with me, totally, that’s why I don’t give into the peer pressure of being a millennial. And it’s not even that, I just don’t fucking care about alcohol. I have drank–and sometimes it was fun, and sometimes it wasn’t–and I might have a drink or two on the cruise next winter, but I just don’t feel compelled to drink as an activity. I can just stand or sit and hang out and be myself. I see no logical reason to drink, really, most reasons are to block out emotions–which is just concerning if we’re being honest.

On the plus [?] side a woman with gigantic breasts handed me a note that reads, “I NEVER do this, but you look cool and I really want to be friends or otherwise.” So… winning? When I just saw that it said friends I was like, “ohh, I like friendship… oh, ‘or otherwise’, huh? Yeahh… I see where this is going. I’m afraid I’m not into ‘or otherwise’ with ladies.”

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