How To: Draw the Red Out of Your Sunny-Sunburn

Solar Flare Captured by NASA's Van Allen Probe August 2012

Solar Flare Captured by NASA’s Van Allen Probe August 2012

I went boating this past weekend and, as usual, didn’t wear sunscreen. Why? Because I want a tan and I’m impatient. Still why? Because I used to get sunburn all the time and it eventually just turned into a tan. So fuck it, right? Wrong. Sunburn hurts.

You know what hurts worse? Working out for the first time in months [thank you metabolism] and being ridiculously sore with the addition of sunburn. Your skin seems all hardened and crumpled whenever you move and all the aches and burning coalesces into what feels like spontaneous aging. Oh and that hot shower or heating pad you normally turn to for some soothing little rays is now a reigniter of fire.

One of the other boat people mentioned something about using apple cider vinegar. Sounds just about as weird as ground up flax seed in place of eggs [=D], but hey if it’s good enough for my salad it’s good enough for my skin.

What you will need:

  • Bowl
  • Paper Towels
  • Spray Bottle
  • 2 tbsp Apple Cider Vinegar
  • 2 cups Super Seriously Cold Water
  • Aloe [regular or scented–mine is cucumber]

Warning: Be prepared to smell weird and feel sticky [it’s better than feeling like your cells are on fire, so quit bitching and stay inside away from other’s judgement].

Step 1: Mix Apple Cider Vinegar and Super Seriously Cold Water in the Bowl.
Step 2: Soak Paper Towels in the newly concocted Super Seriously Cold Watagar.
Step 3: Blot Watagar onto skin with Paper Towel, letting soak on particularly charred ares.
Step 4: Put excess Watagar into Spray Bottle aannnnd Spritz! Spritz! Spritz!
Step 5: After Watagar has dried apply your preferred Aloe variation.
Step 6: Reapply as needed for however long it takes to put out the fire.

It works. Also, it sucks out the red venom and replaces it with a lovely pre-tan tan. So, I guess the moral of the story is I can be unsafe and impatient and still achieve the required results. Now I wish it didn’t work so I might’ve finally learned my lesson…..

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