Eating a Hot Dog on Independence Day says I’m a true American

Ya know, cos we’re all diabetic and dying early and shit. In my office there are a few overweight women, and I told them that the veterinarian said my dog was fat and to put him on a diet. The temperature dropped twenty degrees instantaneously. I didn’t realize that word wasn’t okay to say, even if it wasn’t about a human or in a harsh tone.

I guess it’s similar to a racial slur, or a female endearingly referring to her close friends as “sluts.” I suppose it doesn’t help that I am quite thin. I’m not a part of the group who can say that word and have it be un-offensive. Thin women have no insecurities and should keep their thin lips shut, glide past and concentrate on not being blown away by a breeze.

Surprisingly, I love Continue reading

How To: Awkwardly Make Masturbation Jokes in Public

I’ve just gone to see a dear friend of mine be comedic. She was funny, along with a few others. The majority just talked about pornography and drugs. It’s okay though, there was a dead baby joke for levity at one point, which my heart was weirdly responsive to at one point, so I’m not totally sure what that says about the night/my inner landscape… Continue reading

The Phone hasn’t Rung in the Last Hour

I work in sales. People call me to buy espresso machines. If nobody’s calling there is literally no work for me to do [okay.. there may or may not be emails that I’m avoiding, still, it’s mainly phone calls]. That being said Continue reading

Easter Dresses Thwarted by Snow

It’s Easter. And you know what that means? Spring Dresses. And, if you live where I live, snnnnooooowwwww! Yayayayaya! Snoooooowwwwww! That’s right! Super fluff, fluffin’ up the place. Like cocaine. It’s an Easter miracle! Don’t do drugs. What’s happening?

Seriously, don’t do drugs. I don’t. I know that’s questionable by this point. This has gone to a bad place. I’m not sure why. I thought I would be all whimsically random, and that turned into nearly definite drug use.

[Seriously if you knew me in real life you’d know I don’t do drugs, I’m really bad at drug references.. I say things like: I don’t do marajuanna. See, look at that shit I can’t even spell it! My computer won’t even auto-correct it, cos it’s such incorrect spelling. Proof!]

And there you have it. Easter. Snow and cocaine and marajuanna and shit.

If I were a friend of mine be concerned about my well-being post this post.

Listen to Die Antwoord. Then go see CHAPPiE. Happy Easter.

photo credit: Favim

How To: Confuse the Sh*t Out of Your Dog

My dog’s name is Buckley. [After Jeff Buckley. My favorite musician. Check out his records, he’s the jam!] Once, right after I got Buck, I was driving in my car playing Jeff and he started howling along. Fucking adorable. I knew then that it was right. The point of this post is to highlight the fact that I rarely call Buckley, Buckley, and share what I do call him:

Buck. Buckle. Buckster. Buckington. Buckingham. Buckaroo. Buckleroonie. Buckleroonietooner. Bucktown. Spuck. Spuckle. Spucky. Puck. Spucklepuck. Poopy. Poopypants. Poopington. Poopster. Pug. Puggle. Pugglebutt. Spluck. Splucky. Puckster. Bucky. Poopypooper. Sploopypooper. Sploopydoop. Bug. Buggy. Pucko. Splucko. Muck.

I love that little sploopertoop [new nickname I just invented]. Evidently not enough to be consistent in anything other than affection, however. Check out his namesake & comment if you’re sad he drowned, too. That whole 27 curse. Damn you Death! #sadfactory