Eating a Hot Dog on Independence Day says I’m a true American

Ya know, cos we’re all diabetic and dying early and shit. In my office there are a few overweight women, and I told them that the veterinarian said my dog was fat and to put him on a diet. The temperature dropped twenty degrees instantaneously. I didn’t realize that word wasn’t okay to say, even if it wasn’t about a human or in a harsh tone.

I guess it’s similar to a racial slur, or a female endearingly referring to her close friends as “sluts.” I suppose it doesn’t help that I am quite thin. I’m not a part of the group who can say that word and have it be un-offensive. Thin women have no insecurities and should keep their thin lips shut, glide past and concentrate on not being blown away by a breeze.

Surprisingly, I love Continue reading

How To: Draw the Red Out of Your Sunny-Sunburn

Solar Flare Captured by NASA's Van Allen Probe August 2012

Solar Flare Captured by NASA’s Van Allen Probe August 2012

I went boating this past weekend and, as usual, didn’t wear sunscreen. Why? Because I want a tan and I’m impatient. Still why? Because I used to get sunburn all the time and it eventually just turned into a tan. So fuck it, right? Wrong. Sunburn hurts. Continue reading

Be Negative: Internet Comment Sections

The internet is not a safe place. WordPress has been the only anti-example of that statement, in that no one here has attacked me [yet?], but for the most part people on the internet are worse than regular people [ie: reddit, youtube, chat section of online gaming, 4chan]. The scary part is, they are regular people.

In real life encounters with stable strangers, for the most part we each make it through unscathed. Neither of us insults the other’s genitalia or encourages the other to get cancer and/or die. Neither of us says aloud our explicit imaginings or rips apart our perception of the other’s level of mental health and childlike naivety.

In real life we are cowards. On the internet we are anonymous, and the size and temper of another doesn’t have to be taken into account. We don’t have to calculate if we can outrun out target, we’re simply hidden away behind a screen.

The sad part is, the puny cowards leaching hate out into the world [and therefore all over the next generation] are simply projecting the way they feel about themselves outward, because it’s easier than admitting they feel that way about themselves. Hurt others the way you’re hurt, because then you don’t feel so bad about yourself, right? Not really. You feel worse for avoiding it to begin with, and guilt for causing pain to undeserving strangers.

You know what’s better than attacking other people the way you’ve been attacked? Being understood by other people who’ve been hurt in the same way you have. So quit being a bitch and trolling the internet. I’d respect you more if you tried to pull that shit in real life, although I’m pretty sure you’d be beat to death. Send love.

Should I become a Professor?

tweed blazer

– Flexible schedule with many incorporated breaks.
– More time to write than many other career options [potentially].
– Has potential to be fun and engaging atmosphere.
– Would incorporate more learning, more easily into my future–which is something I’d
really enjoy continuing to be a part of my life
– Summers off. Seriously. That’s pretty baller.
– Encouraging kids who are in the situation I’m in now would be super rewarding.
– New students every semester [might] keep it
– I enjoy challenging others and being challenged by them in return.
– It would be an adventure and I like trying new things.
– An academic environment [as far as other professors] sounds stimulating.
– There would be a stream of visiting speakers and performers each semester.

– Teaching kids who don’t care [can be helped by teaching upper level courses].
– Potential job availability may be scarcer than other fields [although to be fair the other
career I’m most considering is as an editor, so…]
– Classes are new each semester so you never know who you’re going to be spending a
majority of your time with.
– Would feel super frustrating to be [potentially] surrounded by difficult people.
– Might feel dull to teach same material over every three or four months, and changing the
lesson plans up could be[?] super intensive.
– Have no “control” over the people I spend time with, in flux every semester.
– Students maybe be investing just for the grade and might not really be interested in the
subject matter, would feel disappointing in the end.
– As a professor I wouldn’t be getting the same thing out of it as a student. [I don’t
know if that’s good or bad].
– I’m really more interested in editing professional work, editing students could be
absolute drudgery [based on workshop material I read through for classes, I could see myself giving many students failing grades. It would be challenging to “know how to grade”, although I’m sure I’d develop some sort of system. That being said, I don’t know how I would feel about giving someone an undeserving grade. It would be one thing if their intention was there and they’re still developing their writing skills, but that’s obviously a judgement call on my part.]
– The salary isn’t the best, may need to supplement income. [or Jane Austen that Shit!].

Bottom line, I don’t have enough information to actually make a decision right now, and honestly I’m still way more interested in editing professionally. I like the idea of it, and could see it being a good fit for me, but I’m still exploring my options. Plus, I’m way far from making a legit decision about “what I’m going to do with my life” career wise, and I feel super okay about that. I’m not crunching to make a decision about this [I’m crunching to make a decision about which school to transfer to], and I feel fine about “not knowing”.

Just exploring my options…… what do you think?

photo credit: mamajang, via fortheloveofpretty

The Driveway is my White Whale #bitchstatus

Me: Hey guys, I noticed some snow in the middle of the driveway that I had to avoid when pulling in, when shoveling your cars out can you just be sure not to add any snow to the rest of the driveway? Thanks

Neighbor: I think you should keep to yourself and stop trying to inconvenience others.

Me: I don’t understand why you’re attacking me, I feel like it’s inconsiderate to push snow into the middle of the driveway where everyone else who lives here drives.

Neighbor: Hannah, please, just stop. I would have expected to see you out there shoveling if it were such an inconvenience to you. Having to maneuver a few inches to the side of two or three inches of snow is not. So basically you just decided to take time out of each of our days to complain. That’s why I’m kind of bothered.

Me: All I’m trying to do is be responsible, if you’d like from now on I can direct any future issues toward our landlord. Can you please respect the rest of us that live here? I’m not interested in arguing with you, I won’t text you again if that’s what you’d like.

Neighbor: no problem.

I tried not to argue and made a serious effort to be respectful while confronting the issue at hand and drawing boundaries. I didn’t ask for or expect him to understand my side or be reasonable. I didn’t bring up the facts that by smoking pot in the house [an illegal activity], leaving used kitty litter outside their back door [which is our main hallway], and shoveling snow from their space into the middle of the driveway that literally everyone else who lives in the house has to drive through are all grossly inconsiderate and inconveniencing actions, so really his attack is just a guilt ridden projection on me.. even though I really would have liked to argue semantics, but reasonable adult Hannah knows not only is it not worth it, it doesn’t go anywhere and it’s controlling to try and force others to be reasonable back.

It just really sucks that being consistently responsible just gets you “bitch status” especially when I’ve ended up [let myself] become the spokesman of a group who are comfortable not confronting the neighbors–which is fine for them, I just feel like I can’t not confront them because it’s not respecting myself or them.. especially if I’m pre-occupied by it or talking shit behind their backs. It hurts me to be misrepresented in another’s perception, *the doubt* comes and I start to feel crazy. I know it’s not the same, but it piles on and perforates my head and heart apart. Thank God for the reasonable, loving, patient, listening, encouraging beautiful souls that hear me and understand. I appreciate them all.

How To: Get Rejected for a Discover It Card In 15 Steps!

Step 01: Be twenty five and four months fresh into a semi-decent paying job.
Step 02: Have absolutely nothing in your name up until you turn twenty four.
Step 03: Own no property, stocks, or municipal bonds and have no legitimate savings.
Step 04: Be unsure of what a municipal bond even is and why it sounds like a city.

Step 05: Pay for everything up front in cash including your car, have no loans or debt.
Step 06: Be currently enrolled in a two year community college.
Step 07: Be single, independent, broke[ish] and without a co-signer.
Step 08: Pay your rent and all your bills on time–or not, it doesn’t seem to matter.
Step 09: Try back once you’ve been accepted into a four year institution.
Step 10: Consider fudging your income upon hearing that’s how your friend got approved.
Step 11: Decide against it, cos you’d feel guilty about lying to the Discover It card people.
Step 12: Reconsider after realizing you’re going to pay them 20% on all the money you borrow anyway, so really they’re benefitting from the lie.
Step 13: Reconsider reconsidering after realizing you’re going to have to pay them 20%
on all the money you borrow.
Step 14: Reconsider reconsidering reconsidering after realizing you’ll have 0% APR the
first 14 months, so it just might be worth it.. question mark[?]

Step 15: Lose track of what APR means: get headache.